


Say you'll remember me (standing in a nice dress, staring at the sunset, babe)

by Dobby98



Category: Blindspot (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fluff, Patterson is an adorable D&D nerd, a tiny bit self-deprecation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-22
Updated: 2018-10-22
Packaged: 2019-08-03 02:01:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16317020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dobby98/pseuds/Dobby98
Summary: What would've happened if the kiss between Tasha and Reade had never happened? If Tasha found out she maybe isn't in love with Reade like she thought? (Set at the end of 3x21)





	Say you'll remember me (standing in a nice dress, staring at the sunset, babe)

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! I finally took my courage in both hands and wrote a little something. For the last few months after discovering Blindspot through the one and only Ashley Johnson I've been obsessed with it and Zapatterson and checked almost daily if anyone had written a new fan fic for them. I've been disappointed quite a few times, but was always too shy to write something myself to fill this void. But now I did it and I hope it's not total crap... Then I just want to thank 'lightningcanary', 'x2Nerdy4MyShirt', 'DanaWPatterson', 'noneoftherestofitmatters' and 'galaxyofminds', thank you all for writing amazing fics and inspiring me!  
> English is not my first language and I apologize in advance for any mistakes, I'd be very grateful if you point those out to me. I'm not 100 percent happy with what I wrote, especially the end, but I kinda wanna post it now since I spent way too much time thinking about it already... Also I have to get up in like 4 hours :)  
> Maybe I'll edit it later after hopefully some feedback :) And perhaps there'll be a part two ;)

_„So, come back to the FBI."_ Patterson's words echoed through Tasha's mind. She took a deep breath as she stared into the locker she had occupied for most of the last 10 years. Hot tears spilled down her cheeks as her grip tightened on the locker door to the point where her knuckles turned white.

_Come back to the FBI._

Patterson wanted her to come back. She had just begun forgiving Tasha for Project Dragonfly. There was still so much to talk about, but it was something. Bill had probably talked with his daughter after he picked up on the tension between the two best friends. He had approached Tasha that day, asking what had happened, but Tasha had refused to talk about it. If Patterson wanted to talk to her dad about their fight she would do it, it was not Tasha's decision to make.

A sob escaped her throat as she thought about her decisions in the past. The decisions she had made for the CIA, for her job. She had been happy. At the FBI there were always some restrictions; it's always been ‘All or nothing'. The CIA really got shit done, even if it wasn't entirely moral sometimes and that was why she gave in to Keaton's repeated requests to join them.

_Come back to the FBI._

It was tempting. Thinking about the old FBI days when everything had been easier. Pre-Jane, pre-tattoos. Tasha thought about meeting Reade, meeting Patterson. Their blossoming friendship. Sitting in the lab, eating take out because Patterson was too busy working too hard once again to sit down for lunch proper. Laughing about one of her nerdy jokes. Watching football with Reade, mocking him about his favorite team getting their ass kicked by her team.

But even if she wanted she couldn't. Keaton had plans for her and once again she had to lie to her friends in order to do her job. Her job was once again the reason she couldn't be friends with Patterson. She hoped they would forgive her. If she had a choice she would explain them everything, try and not make the same mistakes again.

Tasha let out a shaky sigh. This would probably destroy the fragile bond she had re-established with Patterson. They were just beginning to get closer again and now she would have to betray her again. By now Tasha thought she just wasn't meant to be happy. After that day when the team found out about Borden, she had apparently needed to destroy her life even more and confess her feelings to Reade.

And that was another thing. Feelings. Tasha Zapata was more confused about her feelings than ever. Even in High School when she began noticing being also attracted to girls she had been surer about them than now. Over the years she noticed she had always been more attracted to women. She had had flings and short relationships with quite a few women in the first years after college. Then she began working at the NYPD and fell for Ricky. After he died she was lost and hurt and began closing off to any sort of romantic feelings. She dated a soccer coach and a loan officer, both relationships failing because she couldn't open up enough to let them in.

Then Andy died and she began working at the FBI. And up to this point, she never had a serious relationship again. She avoided feelings as much as she could. Even the few times she went on a date with women, in the end, she freaked out and manipulated them so she wouldn't have to confront her feelings.

There hasn't been a guy she liked romantically since Ricky. But now there was Reade who looked at her with his big brown eyes and made her laugh and had kissed her. Back then she had panicked and pushed him away, blaming it on his painkillers. Now two years later she regretted it. She had pushed away the only person who would care about her like that and now he was engaged. Or not anymore which was her fault as well. It seems like she just likes destroying lives…

And of course, there was Patterson. Patterson with her perfect hair and perfect eyes and genius mind and just being her adorable self. Tasha had missed her so much these past few weeks and now she’ll not see her again for… How long? Would she ever see her again? Her best friend who she had hurt so badly. Once again Tasha thought of their first meeting.

_It was her first day at the FBI. She had completed the special training and together with her NYPD experience, she was already qualified enough to become a permanent part of a special team. At the moment her future partner, Edgar Reade, was giving her a tour. “And this is the lab, the territory of our forensic scientist, Patterson”, he said pointing to a woman currently bent over a keyboard typing furiously. Her blonde hair fell over her shoulders into her face and she seemed to be very concentrated on her task since she didn’t react at all to Reade trying to introduce her._

_Her pink lips twisted in what appeared to be frustration as she tucked her hair back behind her ear. “Patterson!” Reade repeated a bit louder and stepped forward a bit. The woman whirled around staring at them with wide eyes. Oh. Those eyes were the bluest blue Tasha had ever seen and she was stunned. Patterson was gorgeous. Her hair softly falling down in slight waves, eyes framed by long, black lashes and – “This is our newest addition to the team-“ Tasha quickly closed her mouth and shook herself out of this stupor. “Uh, Zapata, ahem, T-Tasha Zapata, is my name”, she stammered out, clearing her throat after the first try had been a little squeaky._

_“It’s nice to meet you, Patterson.” ‘What the hell is wrong with me?’ Tasha thought as she tried to will down the blush that was painting her cheeks and neck a rosy red. Normally she was a lot smoother, but seeing this woman completely threw her off her course, reducing her to a stammering mess._

_The blonde threw her a curious look and stretched out her hand to shake hers. “Likewise, Tasha”, she said and smiled. “Have a nice first day and may the odds be ever in your favor!”_

_Tasha tore her gaze from her lips which had curled into the most adorable smile she’d ever seen and shook Patterson’s hand. She blinked a little confused at the reference she didn’t quite catch. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Reade roll his eyes. “All right, let’s go, Weller and Mayfair are waiting for us in the office.”_

This had evolved in the greatest friendship Tasha ever had. After a few days only working together it became grabbing a drink together after work, then it became hanging out at each other’s flats, going shopping together, to finally Tasha being the only person who could get Patterson out of her work mode to eat something. After only a few months of knowing each other they were meeting every day before work to grab a coffee, then they would eat lunch together with Tasha either ordering something to eat in the lab while Patterson was working or Tasha dragging Patterson _out of_ the lab to go somewhere else and almost every day ended with them hanging out one way or another.

Tasha had gotten over her little crush on Patterson pretty quickly. Since Patterson was straight, she had never tried anything and now she just felt this deep adoration for her best friend. There had been times where she couldn’t stop staring at Patterson, wondering how she deserved the friendship of this wonderful person and how she could be so perfect, but that’s just how you feel about your best friend, right?

_Come back to the FBI._

It hurt. The thought of leaving Patterson again before they could even make up properly sent another sob wracking her body and tears streaming down her face. How could she possibly do what Keaton wanted and hurt the most wonderful person on this earth _again?_ Tasha stared into her empty locker again, feeling the sting of a fresh wave of tears behind her eyelids.

Suddenly the door opened and Reade came in, concern evident in his eyes. He walked towards her quickly and said urgently “You can’t leave!” Sniffling Tasha grabbed her bag and closed the locker door. “I can’t stay”, she said, her sight blurring again. “Why not?”, Reade asked. “Why are you giving up?” – “I’m on a path, Reade! And I can’t go back and I can’t take you guys with me. So please… Don’t make this harder than it is and let me go!”, she pleaded.

“Tash…”, she heard coming quietly from behind Reade. There stood Patterson, tears in her eyes, looking at her. “I can’t”, Tasha said and walked out with her head down, not being able to look Patterson in the eyes. She quickly made her way over to the elevator waiting for the doors to open. When they finally did she walked in, turning around once inside and saw both Reade and Patterson walking towards her, determined look on their faces.

But then the tablet in Patterson’s hands let out a series of beeps and she hesitated, frowning at it. She said something Tasha couldn’t hear, only “Jane”, “Weller” and “database” got through. Reade nodded reassuringly, whispered something and Patterson shot a last, sad look towards her, then turned and rushed towards the lab.

In the last second before the doors closed, Reade stuck his hand in between them and forced them to open again. He quickly slipped through and now it was only them in the elevator staring at each other in a heavy silence until the doors closed. “Tasha.” Reade began to say something. “Please don’t, Ed…”, interrupted Tasha him.

“Don’t go…”, he said and suddenly he was leaning in to kiss her and she was panicking. She put a hand on his chest and pushed him away slightly. “I don’t…” She didn’t know what to say. Wasn’t this what she wanted? For the past almost two years she had been pining after him and now that she got the chance she stopped it? Frustrated she took a few steps back and ran a hand through her hair.

Seeing Weller and Jane so happy with each other and then witnessing the love Meg had for Reade had hurt. She was jealous of the love they had while she was sitting alone in a bar, drinking bourbon neat. She had imagined being the one driving home with Reade, laughing, sitting in _their_ living room, kissing… It had been her idea of perfect. So what was stopping her now? Reade obviously was interested, but once again she destroyed everything.

“I’m so sorry, I… I don’t know.”, she stuttered out, confused. “I need space.” She couldn’t bring herself to look at Reade, knowing he was watching her with his puppy eyes. The elevator opened and Tasha was ready to run. “Tasha. … Can you promise me you won’t run away? I’ll give you space, but please don’t run from this..? Be there tomorrow to talk about this.” Reade was pleading with her, his eyes sad. “Okay.” She doubted she would know more tomorrow, but she had to go now before she lost all control of her feelings and people would see underneath her shell, but she will be gone the day after anyway and she could at least try to leave without leaving a thousand unanswered questions.

*~*

Sitting in the cab to her apartment in Brooklyn, Tasha’s mind was running a thousand miles per second. She couldn’t explain how she had been jealous of Meg, but when presented with Reade being interested she panicked and pushed him away. But she also had been jealous of the love Jane and Weller shared.

Wait.

Thinking about it, she was jealous of them, because they were happy and she wasn’t. They were in love and she didn’t have that. So she had taken the next person she’d seen and tried to project those feelings on that person. She loved Reade, she was sure of it. But the more she pondered it, the surer she was that it was only platonic. There were feelings of love, but she misread them as romantic feelings and insisted on being in love with Reade when she really wasn’t.

Well, wasn’t this great.

Shortly after her discovery, they arrived at her home, so she threw some bills at the driver and climbed up the stairs to her apartment. Opening up the door she put her gun in the little cabinet right next to the door, tossed her keys on the counter, dropped her jacket on the floor, trudged to the fridge while stripping off her shoes and pulled out a beer.

Completely exhausted she fell on her couch, opened up the beer and took a few large swigs. Her life was a mess. A gigantic mess. Tasha downed the rest of her beer quickly and stood up to get something stronger. When her gaze fell on the Johnnie Walker Blue her mind instantly went to Patterson. Tasha chuckled quietly as she thought about Patterson getting drunk on the scotch at Kurt and Jane’s wedding. She was an adorable drunk. Also, she then had a knack of talking _a lot_ about this nerdy wizard and elf game Tasha always forgot the name of. Dungeons in Darkness or something. It was really cute, although Tasha did not understand a word she was saying.

After filling a glass almost to the brim with scotch she sat down again. For some reason, she didn’t know she suddenly saw Patterson’s eyes filled with water in front of her as she looked at her. The devastated look on her face when she was called away even though she had obviously wanted to follow her instead. All this pain Tasha had seen in her eyes that she had sworn she never wanted to see again after all Patterson went through with Borden.

What to do now? She once again destroyed things with Reade, Patterson was busy with the database, Kurt and Jane probably had better things to do and she was alone again, drinking by herself and thinking about her fucked up life. Taking a large gulp, enjoying the burning down her throat Tasha relaxed into the pillows and sighed deeply.

_Come back to the FBI._

She couldn’t stop hearing Patterson’s words. Oh, how Tasha would miss her! Her heart ached at the thought of leaving all of them but especially Patterson behind. She already missed her laugh, how her eyes sparkled when she did, how she would throw her head back as a deep belly laugh burst out of her and she missed them cuddling on one of their couches, drinking wine while watching their favorite TV show and she just missed her. Missed being able to touch her, to hug and cuddle and pressing a kiss to her head when she was sad and tickling her until she couldn’t breathe and blowing raspberries on her neck. She missed her, period. Yes, they made up now, but it’s been too long since they had an evening for themselves.

Another large swallow of scotch later Tasha reached over to turn on the TV and immediately stopped when Live PD started flickering across the screen. How often had they turned this on in the background while drunkenly talking and lying on the couch? Drunk Patterson thought everything on this show was hilarious and Tasha always had been too amused to switch the channel.

Just as Tasha lifted her glass to chug the rest there was a loud knock on her front door. She cursed quietly and fumbled to get up. Again a loud knock. “Jesus, I’m coming already!” she mumbled annoyed and set down her glass on the couch table. On the way, she almost fell over her own shoes and in the process kicked one of them further down the hall. Groaning she grabbed her gun as the person on the other side knocked again. She looked through the peephole and was very surprised to see Patterson on the other side nervously stepping from one foot on the other.

“P?” Tasha asked confused when she opened the door just in time to prevent the blonde from knocking a fourth time. Big blue eyes stared at her before Patterson quickly entered and quietly closed the door behind her. Tasha stared at her speechless, not knowing what to say. She saw how Patterson gnawed on her lips for a few seconds anxiously before enveloping her in a big hug. And Tasha breathed. For the first time in a long time, she finally relaxed and buried her head in Patterson’s blonde hair, quickly pressing a kiss to her temple.

After a few more seconds she felt the woman in her arms begin to shake slightly. Worried she was crying Tasha took a step back, loosening her grip on the blonde and looked at her. Relief overtook her when she realized she was chuckling slightly. “Your apartment is as messy as it was when I was here the last time… Didn’t change much”, Patterson grinned crookedly. But Tasha could see she was sad underneath her shell. She’d always been able to see right through her and it was the same the other way around.

“Hey, that’s not fair! I’m a lot more organized now… And tidier!” Tasha exclaimed. Looking around, her argument lost a lot of credibility though. “Sure,” Patterson replied sarcastically. “Tell me honestly you didn’t fall over your shoes just a minute ago.” The brunette stuck out her tongue and laughed “Oh well, you’re probably right…” and got a sad smile just before she was captured by two arms again and held tightly.

So they stood right by the door for the next minutes until Tasha took a step back and guided the blonde over to the couch where she sat down and let Patterson lay with her head in Tasha’s lap. Patterson watched her with a sad smile and closed her eyes. “Are you drinking and watching Live PD without me by any chance, Tash?” Tasha chuckled at her teasing tone and began stroking her hair.

They stayed like that in silence for a few minutes before Patterson mumbled sleepily “I missed this. … I missed you.” and opened her eyes to look at Tasha, who felt a shock run through her when electric blue eyes full of emotion met her own. Suddenly butterflies erupted in her stomach and she felt a blush creep up her neck. Patterson’s gaze darkened a bit and she sat up, taking the glass and gulping down the last bit Tasha had left in there. 

The CIA-agent looked at her confused. “What’s wrong?” After taking a deep breath and tucking a strand of blonde hair behind her ear, Patterson looked right back and said “I don’t want you to leave. I just got you back. And I love you. So much.” Tasha swallowed. Her heart was beating wildly and her thoughts were racing. Suddenly all of these feelings that she had buried deep inside of her came back and attacked with brute force. Patterson was her best friend, but also so much more than that, even if Patterson was straight and did not love her like that.

She opened her mouth to say something but was interrupted. “I need to say this. And I’m sorry if it’s ruining everything, but you will leave and I can’t stand you not knowing. It’s like having solved a puzzle, but not being able to tell the resolution or knowing a way to beat Vecna, but being out of spells to do it and oh man, now I’m nervous and rambling about D&D.” Words just tumbled from Patterson’s mouth and Tasha had a hard time keeping up. What was Patterson trying to tell her?

“Patterson! Hey. Stop for a second and breathe. I’m right here and whatever you want to tell me, you can just do it and I’ll still be here, okay?” Tasha smiled and squeezed her shoulder reassuringly. “Ugh, this is so frustrating!” Patterson groaned. “I don’t…” – “Know what you want to say?” – “No! Opposite, opposite… Tasha, please. I know what I want to say, just not how and now you’re sitting right in front of me and being so soft the way you only are with me and smiling and being all perfect and I’m just in love with you and your perfect lips and hair and arms and – Well, I guess I just said it…” A bright red flooded Patterson’s face and she stopped talking, looking down at her hands in her lap.

Tasha just sat there, stunned. Patterson was in love with her? But, how? Did she like women? Since when? She had never told her… Confused she stared at her best friend with her mouth open and her heart beating so hard it almost sprung out of her chest. “I…” After a minute or so Tasha was able to speak again at least. “You like women? I… I didn’t even know… Well… I think I never told you that I’m bisexual… And that I had a crush on you since I set my eyes on you?”

Now it was Patterson’s time to stare. A beat. Another one. Then suddenly they were kissing and Patterson was straddling her and Tasha was in heaven. Her drunken mind kept struggling to keep up with the events. Maybe she had drunken too much whiskey… She definitely had. But Patterson was right here, her hips under her hands and her hands in Tasha’s hair and her lips wandering to her neck, leaving a trail of kisses.

“Wait!” Tasha gasped out. “I’m dreaming, right? This is some crazy dream my mind is playing on me…” Patterson laughed. “We should probably take it a bit slower. But it’s real, I promise. Now, you sleep and sober up and we’ll talk tomorrow okay? … I love you.” Tasha smiled and hid her face in her neck. “I love you, too. And I promise we’ll talk and I will tell you everything and we’ll make it work, because I don’t want to lose this – us - again because of work!”

Patterson slid off her lap and guided her into her bed, where she fell in and was asleep in a matter of seconds. She then curled up next to her and hoped they would bring some clarity into this mess. Whatever Tasha had meant with work not getting between them anymore and her telling her everything, they would sort it out.

**Author's Note:**

> So, Tasha is definitely working undercover for the CIA with Blake, right? There's no way she would've looked at the camera otherwise... And (Spoilers S4E2) Keaton probably knows more about Tasha than he lets on...  
> Also, I have no idea how preparation/training for FBI works, I just made that up ^^  
> Hope you liked it, I'd really appreciate your feedback :)


End file.
